It took trial and error to arrive in a spiritual relationship. Until then I often experienced putting everything into a relationship and yet feeling emotionally unsafe, sexually unsatisfied and disconnected. I often found myself feeling unjustly blamed, feeling empty and lonely even though in a relationship and unsure how long the relationship was going to last. An end date seemed to loom on the horizon.
Struggling with a
Series of Unhealthy Relationships
In unhealthy relationships such as this there would be “conflict storms” that would come up seemingly out of nowhere. This is what made me feel emotionally unsafe. The real cause of the conflict energy that flared up couldn’t be seen clearly and then there also wasn’t anything that could be done about it. There wasn’t any opportunity for healing.
This was of course so uncomfortable that both tended to suppress whatever topic had caused the “flare-up”. I now understand that this created a veil that kept us from investigating this area further in ourselves, meaning the first stage of healing couldn’t be reached: acknowledging that there is something painful that is asking to be validated and ultimately healed.
We were usually unprepared as a couple in an unhealthy relationship and totally blown away by the intensity of these “relationship storms” of conflict energies, confused about their origin, when everything seemed fine.
After a while, trust and emotional intimacy dwindled, no matter how much we both desired to keep the relationship alive. The diminishing of sexual intimacy followed, becoming less and less energetically and emotionally connected. Having sex without this closeness even brought on other feelings of shame about it being purely physical in nature.
Have you had similar experiences?
Have you felt puzzled by relationships falling apart when they were so promising and you were both feeling so connected and elevated in frequency? Wouldn’t it be great to solve the mystery of what goes wrong when the relationship gets deeper?
Ten years ago, after being a yogi for almost two decades and after having added living in a tantra yoga ashram for two years, I made a decision, to make it a priority to find a spiritual relationship, that included me falling in love over and over again with the same woman, feeling emotionally safe, with experiences of beautiful divine spiritual sex, with an easy flow of elevated energies and continuously going deeper into the relationship.
The challenge that I felt looming on the horizon then was personal development. How could I build a relationship that included spiritual growth, deep healing of past pain layers, while continuing to grow transparently within the relationship?
The 4 main obstacles to a spiritual relationship appeared to me to be:
- unconscious dynamics of energetic/emotional entanglements
- being subject to unpredictable “flare ups” of conflict energies leading to defensiveness and blaming
- feeling an inner void that needs to be filled by the other, feeling dependent on the other for this
- lack of emotional intimacy, lack of sexual attraction and flow. Dense sexual energies
Was I ready to take on the challenges, to face them squarely, to look beyond the surface of the waves of the relationship storms? And how could I accomplish looking deeper, into the unconscious areas of my being, into soul parts that were frozen in time only to be suddenly triggered by similar words or situations?
It took several failed attempts at new relationships over the years to finally admit to myself that the spiritual tools I had been learning on my different paths would have to be something that would be practiced consciously together. I realised I needed to be with a beloved whose interest in personal development techniques and spiritual growth matched my own.
Tools & Learning
Meditation and introspection were the first on my list to endeavour to take into this new kind of relationship. These tools would help my awareness to pass through the veil, investigate the cause of each relationship storm, allowing images to come up and guide me to the origin of my own conflict energies, the pain-layer from another time that still needed healing.
The same would lead to a Being to Being, or Soul to Soul approach, providing an atmosphere in which there would be no blame-dynamics when conflict energies from the past would arise. We could support each other, hold space for healing time of soul parts and soul retrieval, which could be summed up as emotional responsibility for our “curriculum of layers”.
Conflict energy storms are not bad, they don’t mean that the relationship is failing, far from it. When we get deeper into our hearts and unconscious emotional layers come up because the environment is strong enough to stand them. They are opportunities for identifying these hidden layers one at a time, at the right time, so they can be validated and healed.
“Culture of Relationship”
In this way we could come together as a team and make conscious intentions together developing a growing “Culture of Relationship”, that would provide a “transparency of triggers” and the pre-established commitment to space and time for self-healing as a regular practice. Each could establish their best way of accomplishing this.
I have a 5-10 minute meditation practice morning and night I have kept since the nineties, in which I can now choose to dedicate some time to healing a soul part that has come up for healing in a conflict situation, alongside my meditation time. I practice the being to being meditation that I developed, to remind myself to stay on the being level when conflicts arise and seeing myself or the other as simply having a layer that is coming up.
This completely changes the dynamic of interactions and releases the pressure valve of the conflict situation. Having an anger layer that I become aware of and “being angry” are two very different states to experience and the latter is almost impossible to experience without going into an automatic mode of defensiveness.
Being a witness to my emerging layers gives me the opportunity to raise a red flag and say: “the volume of what I am feeling and the small conflict situation we are talking about don’t match up at all. I am probably having an old layer come up. I’d like to take some space time to see if I can identify what this past pain layer is”. The blanket acceptance of the regularity of storms, the fact that they are not bad, that they are not a sign of failure in a relationship is the key to diffusing the storms as they come along.
Asanas, yogic postures, learned in the tantra yoga school I had been in would help to transform energies from dense to subtle in this spiritual relationship I was aiming for. This way I practice alchemy of energies supporting a natural flow of orgasmic energies in spiritual sex, an experience of fulfilment and of conscious, energetic, emotional union, cycling the combined energy through each other.
Accessing our own heart field in regular meditations, feeling our own source field of self love and sharing from this source with our beloved would be another foundation to building a spiritual relationship. Feeling dependent on the other for our inner happiness can be avoided by accessing our own self love and this takes practice, which I was willing to do.
Clearing energetic and emotional entanglements using simple shamanic guided meditations would be key in order to start into the spiritual relationship with a clear energetic field, having cut any remaining hidden chords from previous relationships.
Adding the shamanic practice of grounding the sexual energy into the land, the earth, the planet as a whole adds a missing puzzle piece I hadn’t been aware of through purely tantric knowledge. This is an ancient connecting practice that was natural to our ancestors, which brings not only fertility to the land but power to manifest our true soul’s desires.
Making the Call to the Universe
Once I had all of these prerequisites and intentions clear, after many years of trial and error, I was ready to “make the call to the universe”, by broadcasting in a daily meditation practice, stating what I was making myself available for, what I desired to give to this beautiful new spiritual relationship. I “rehearsed” how this would feel, as if already in it and trusted that this signal was getting out there to someone who was ready, holding the matching set of carefully made intentions.
It took a year before we met, but my beloved has shared with me that her experience was that “her new beloved” popped on her inner screen a year earlier, exactly when I had started to send this signal. We both had major clearings to accomplish in our personal development before we were ready to encounter each other and start our journey together, but when we met we knew within a few hours of talking that this was the special, spiritual relationship we had been “making the call” to the universe about.
Growing together over the past years I have experienced what it means to feel emotionally safe in a relationship, to have sexual intimacy based on growing emotional intimacy through continuous development, to feel in a natural flow with spiritual sex, not based on particular positions or esoteric rituals. Both of us having the regular practice of clearing out old layers, of elevating our energies naturally, brings us to a state in which all of our levels of being meet in all of our different areas of life.
But of course, the problem remains: unconscious layers, their cause not seen, keep coming up looking like they are from the present at first glance. The magic we can rely on is fortifying our relationship by co-creating our own “culture of relationship”, include the firm intention of staying at Being to Being level, seeing each other as a being “having a layer coming up” and not taking the expressions personally.
The intention of each is to take responsibility for our own pain layers as they emerge, knowing we are supported in taking time and space to heal them. This means to remember to communicate that space time is needed for introspection, for detecting the origin of the pain layer. It means making the intention to make the healing of the pain layer a priority until it is healed. It also means being a rock for each other when layers come up and to give continuous support by deeply accepting there is a process the other might need to go through.
The flowering of emotional intimacy into spiritual sex becomes natural, effortless. Emotional intimacy feels so solid with this amount of mutual support in personal and spiritual growth. Here is where sexuality graduates from procreation and recreation to part of the foundational building blocks of a spiritual relationship. The energies released in such love makings is beyond words and for each couple a mystery to be continuously discovered.
Experimenting with incorporating the preparation for elevated orgasmic energies to flow through the body, by the selected tantric asanas that specifically transform the dense lower energies into more subtle energies, creates further support for this flowering of the love making, defusing sexual tensions, allowing relaxed sexual flow, longer love makings, deeper energetic and emotional bonding as a sexually active couple, sometimes opening spiritual portals or fields of knowledge we suddenly gain access to spontaneously and freely.
Men and women can learn to split the orgasm, not losing any of the blissful energy of life force but cycling it to the heart center and sharing it with each other, feeling divinely blessed. This is different from semen retention for men and super orgasm practices for women. It goes beyond and yet makes the process a cycle that is easily maintained over decades, not just weeks.
Spiritual relationship is based on all of these aspects and many of them being of a spiritual perspective and technique makes healthy relationship more easily attainable by it being a spiritual relationship. The effects and benefits go beyond what could be expected, reaching in to longevity and stability of health. Through continuously shedding old layers we become lighter every step of the way.
Of course, this means that our natural energy, with the original codes of health and vitality can flow more and more easily and reach every part of our being, all of our levels more and more completely. The logic is simple. Emotional wholeness, the healing of soul parts, the flooding of the body with powerful orgasmic energies without loss of vital energies can only lead us to a healthier body and a more fulfilled life.
Being in a spiritual relationship is much more than being in harmony. It is a mystery that remains to be discovered and with the masculine and feminine energies being what they are, it will likely have a lot to do with the power of creation, the continuous co-creation of the manifest universe. But more on that another time…
Suffice it to say that my passion has become sharing the knowledge, tools and practices that have helped me to be in spiritual relationship and experiencing spiritual sex, leaving unhealthy relationship habits behind. In the last two years I have gone on to work on preparing materials about how this works, formulating concepts and then giving masterclasses, workshops in presence and online, which in turn brought me even more into focusing on these tools in my relationship, helping me even more.
The easiest way to find out if any of my practices could be helpful for you also, is to take part in a free online masterclass or sign up for my Spiritual Relationship introductory course and take it from there, one step at a time. You can also jump right in and take part in the full Spiritual Relationship Online Course Series. My hope is that the courses and workshops deliver new and ancient knowledge, that was quite complex and took me years to learn, in a simple way that is easy to incorporate into your existing routines, whether you are alone, preparing for spiritual relationship or with a beloved wanting to elevate the relationship you are already in.
With love and gratitude,
Read about 6 signs of an unconscious relationship in this blog article on soulrise by my beloved Diana Beaulieu