Practical Ways to Improve Sexual Attraction in Your Love Relationship

I have experienced some sources of conflict in love relationships that I have since learned are avoidable. Two of them are a lack of sexual attraction after a certain time in the relationship and simply not feeling very connected energetically in the sexual experience. Are there ways to improve sexual attraction in a love relationship we are already in? Are there ways to prepare for the next love relationship to ensure the magnetism does not ebb after the initial bonfire of attraction?

improve sexual attraction
photo by andrew welch

I will start this query by intuitively streaming a message from what I experience as being the spirit of the earth during my shamanic drumming journeys.

Earth Spirit’s Message on Sexual Attraction

“Sexuality is so much more simple than you make it out to be. You go into Tantra, into different modalities of creating something that’s out of the norm. Really what you want, what you are searching for is something deeper than you have experienced. Something more meaningful. What is amazing is, how sexual union could NOT feel meaningful. What is involved is nothing less than cosmic, primal, related to so many subtle and powerful realities. It’s literally magic, a gateway to inner realms, a way to connect to that which is the underlying structure of the manifest universe.

Come with me on a stroll through the aspects that I perceive when you are experiencing a sexual union. You are all different. Some of you are open, some of you are closed. Your energy is flowing. With some of you it is not. The life force within you is giving you impulses. Some of you follow them, some of you don’t. It feels to me that you have everything you need, but the points are not always connecting.

Where are the points not connecting and which points are we talking about?

First of all, the points I mean are the points where you connect with your emotions, with your energies, your soul. Then there are points of connection with your own soul’s archetypal human powers, your masculinity and your femininity, your fire, your earth, air and water resonances anchored in your soul and connecting your subtle with your denser aspects like your emotional, energetic and your physical body. Feeling into you all it seems like many are cut off from your own instincts, your own subtle powers. An analogy with electricity would be there is a lightbulb, in a lamp fixture, but the cable is not plugged into the wall. On top of that, there is something between the plug and the wall, obstructing the way.

In this analogy you are the lamp and the bulb and your subtle inner most being is the cable that would normally give access to an amazing flow of subtle energy, bliss and meaning, coming straight from the source of all that is.

What I want to recommend to you is to find out what is blocking you from this access. What can you do to “plug in”?

I invite you to sit on the ground somewhere. Maybe alone, or with someone you love. Connect with me, the earth spirit and invite my healing energy into you to soften everything up that might be in the way. Maybe the blocks can be dissolved easily? Maybe it will take some time and some help. But once you make this invitation you are inviting yourself to go on this journey with a specific intention of healing and flowing.

Those of you who I feel flowing in your sexual union are often so full of energy, you are shooting this energy out, like a flare. You then don’t get your energy back, it seems, so you end up feeling depleted. Some of you are unconsciously agreeing to give your energy away, especially your sexual energy, even to a point where there is not enough energy for your own sexual activity. You can change that by simply making an intention, a journey in the spirit world. You can change whatever agreement is there, so you keep your energy.

My message to you is that you have the right to keep your own energy. You have the ability to dissolve your own pain and you can absolutely plug back into your access to a natural flow of masculine or feminine energy from the soul level and subtle energy from the source of all that is.

Learn the techniques to heal yourself and meditate to start to feel your own subtle being. With each modality that you want to learn ask yourself: “Is this modality emphasizing that I am in my own power? That I am my own authority?” If it is, fine. If it isn’t, investigate what they are up to and how the people in this modality turn out once they have learned what there is to learn on that path. Are they free? Are they healthy? Are they carefree? If not, keep looking and meanwhile just tune into your own heart and intuition. Find those techniques and people who help you heal.”

Earth Spirit


planet earth
painting by elena mozhvilo

With love and gratitude for this precious earth connection and this one message among many, I continue by sharing about my personal journey with sexuality in relation to my personal development and spiritual journey.

Sexual Alchemy

I came to Sexual Alchemy as a seeker of a “third way”. Then, as a yogi, I considered sexuality by itself “base” and spirituality by itself to be the “highest”. It seemed an “either or question” to me at the time. I was on the path of the spiritual seeker, following a Guru and hearing that sex is fine, but to be a really good yogi you should consider leaving sex and romantic relationships behind. I had been oscillating between being in relationships and being a single yogi who abstains from sex for about thirteen years when the following sentiment kept arising within me: “I can’t be the first one to search for a way that combines sexuality and spirituality.”

I envisioned myself in a relationship where two lovers follow the same path, aiming for spiritual development within their relationship and of course also in their sexuality. A path which holds space for the experience of sexuality to include feeling the current of the divine creative energy flowing and building up to orgasms that connect to the cosmos and go on and on!

The Guru I was following was not conservative or anti relationship. He talked openly about relationships and sexuality, sometimes mentioning that having sex without ejaculating is something one can aim for as a yogi. More often than not his satsangs would mention sexuality as a side issue and one that is not as “high” as other subjects around being a yogi on the path.

The culture I was born into, in western Europe, was deeply influenced by the views of the church on sexuality, which even for atheists influences society in the direction of having shame or guilt around the subject.

My ancestors, around different parts of Europe, will have had much of the same and this is likely imprinted in my genetic make-up.

Any past lives that I may have had around Europe or other parts of the world will have had similar negative influences around sexuality, promoting the distortions we can easily see the world today. Why are there so many distortions and perversions prevalent in our world? It is a safe bet that suppression is to blame for these distortions, however subtle this suppression may seem today.

The superficial openness and visibility of sexual content in the media and the growing number of people finding themselves in open relationships does not necessarily mean that we have arrived in a less distorted version of our collective relationship to sexuality. It may just be a paper-thin layer of openness beneath which we are still struggling to arrive in our fullness with this magical thing called sex.

So, how do we take meaningful steps towards experiencing sexuality fully? Where is the missing link? What do we need to do?

The challenge, of course, lies within ourselves. We need no permission from any authority to allow ourselves to experience sexuality fully. It’s almost as simple as knowing divinity in sexuality is a “thing” for us to have it on the radar and start revealing it to ourselves. But, of course, it is helpful to have a few more sign posts to consider along the way.

Owning Your Sexual Desire

Shedding old roles, as well as constricting beliefs about relationships has been an important stepping stone to experiencing myself differently in sexuality. Basically, everything we can do to free up our beliefs about sexuality, relationships and how we show up in them, is helpful to expanding from what we think we know about sexuality.

For instance, even relatively new roles, or ways to show up as a man can act like a filter between your sexual impulses and the way you express your desire for your lover in the love making. Questioning any role you have taken on from society, family or opinions of your friends is a healthy thing to do, because you may end up discovering a whole new range of fresh and juicy desires and impulses. The more you can connect with your own “raw” impulses, the more juicy energy is available in your love makings. Consider dropping everything you think you know about yourself and just tuning in to what you are really feeling in the moment and what the sensual situation you are in with your lover is prompting in your inner depths. Be honest and dare to admit what you are really feeling. I have heard many women say they feel a bit bored with the role of the “modern sensitive guy” who is so careful and considerate all the time, that it is probably hard for women to really feel desired by him. Both men and women are often not sure about their own attractiveness. Imagine how healing it can be for a woman to truly feel the desire of her lover.

Dropping any role and allowing the inner desire to surface and be expressed directly is one of the keys to sexual alchemy, because it removes the filters and lets the really juicy energy flow between two lovers. It is also one of the great ways of getting out of your head and right into your body, where you can feel your impulses emerging.

Really being in your body and in touch with your impulses you can take the next step by extending where you feel the orgasmic energy once it starts building up.

Can an orgasm only happen in the genitals? This is the best question to ask if you want to start alchemizing your sexual experiences. The goal to aim for here is to move from purely physical stimulation to energetic orgasms that go beyond the genitals. Have you ever had an orgasm in your heart? An orgasm that feels like a genital orgasm, but it is happening inside your rib cage? How about your head? Your throat? I can tell you from experience that this is a “thing” and it is a huge shift in how to experience sexuality.

Transmuting Your Sexual Energy

For me the key to these new experiences has been to alchemise the sexual energy, or the erotic life force, as I like to call it, that builds up in the genital area every day. I learned how to do this in several years of practice living in a tantra yoga ashram and being part of a weekly tantra class.

Certain asanas can help you move these erotic life force energies up in to different regions of the body, including the heart and the head. Doing this regularly you start training the energies to flow upward, alchemizing them and making use of them in different ways, like meditation, creative work or physical stamina.

This is the first step in being able to “split the orgasm” as I like to call it, where you are having a full orgasm, somewhere else in the body and for me it is tied to alchemizing the ejaculation energetically. By this I mean having a full orgasm, without ejaculating. This builds up the erotic energy over time and at some point makes it possible to guide the orgasmic energy to different body parts, like the heart or the head, or all of them at the same time!

For me the asanas that guide the energy upwards have been a daily practice for the past 8 years and I have been able to alchemise the erotic energy so that I could expand my experience of the orgasm, while building up more energy for daily life, meditation and creative work, as well as for sexual experiences. I teach this whole process in my Sexual Alchemy online course and presence workshops.

Increasing the Mutual Sexual Attraction: Polarity

Increasing the volume of attraction in a relationship is one of the keys to a healthy happy spiritual relationship. There are techniques that help with this, but also simply questioning and shifting perspectives are a big part of making this happen.

Taking a brief look at our collective history of developing masculine and feminine role models in society we can, if we are prepared to generalize a bit, see that women have had to become more focused on work, as well as raising children and being an attractive partner in the relationship. On the other hand men have been encouraged, by prevalent narratives in movies, books and the media in general, to be more sensitive and less dominant. This is the modern world we live in and it has definite advantages to what our ancestors experienced: oppression of women and tyrannical dominance by men. In short the patriarchy in its many forms.

The pendulum has swung from this unequal extreme through the middle of what would have been sensible towards the other extreme. Women are achingly slowly fighting their way towards equal pay alongside equal rights (better or worse off depending on where they happen to be born in the world!). All of this is good and very necessary. We are living in what I call a hang-over of patriarchal atrocities. We have much work to do to truly become equal in this world.

Men have been more and more deconstructed to the point that masculinity itself is being seen as distorted. So, many intelligent men are leaning away from identifying as a masculine male with feelable masculine energy.

Politically this is all understandable and “politically correct”, but how is this playing out in our private lives? In many cases not well. If the woman is climbing the corporate ladder, or running a successful business, focusing on her challenging work and the man is doing this and that, not being very focused in his endeavors of work then the energy at home is as follows: the woman has a whole lot of proactive “go” yang energy, the man is kind of soft in his energy (much better than tyrant energy of course), he has a lot of yin energy and can fall into the energetic trap of feeling a bit needy. Combine this with neediness for sexual encounters for which the woman is understandably just too tired and you have the beginning of an ongoing conflict around sexuality in the relationship. He wants sex, she doesn’t. His sexual energy starts to build up as frustration, she starts to experience his sexual energy as aggressive and needy. Not good. Not helpful for either of them and the beginning of a downward spiral for their sex-life and maybe even their whole relationship.

What to do? Well, first of all, for me, it has helped to question the narrative that I need to be a softy to be attractive for my lover. It took some real courage to slowly start to tune into my masculine impulses and to allow them. Most of what I had learned in society and media was against it! What helped me was a relationship with a woman who really was consciously turned on by definite masculine energy. She enjoyed following and being lead, which challenged me to invite those part of my masculine archetypal energy to come out and be felt by her.

I can’t speak for women, but I can say that her being so receptive to my impulses was a huge turn on for me, sexually and in the relationship in general. This did not mean we did everything according to me, or that I saw her as less powerful than me. I perceived her as a powerful women, holding a job and raising two daughters from a previous relationship. She was not a push over and she knew what she wanted. The dynamics of magnetic attraction were flowing between us because I was comfortable making suggestions, acting on my impulses and owning my masculinity and she was comfortable considering those impulses and following them if it aligned with her as well. The magic then is that masculine and feminine energies dance with each other in this way. It’s a dance of masculine and feminine impulses arising naturally from deep within. Mutual trust of our own impulses and experimenting with healthy ways of communicating them is what has lead me away from politically correct role models as well as distorted role models of the slowly passing patriarchy. It’s interesting to me that the roles readily presented to us are of two extremes, either of which are not helpful. Actually, I experience them as subtly destructive. To take matters into your own hands and learn how to improve sexual attraction you can sign up for the following online course, “Making Sexual Alchemy Possible”.

photo by chermiti mohamed

Enter, your own version of experiencing and expressing your natural femininity and masculinity. Question what you have accepted as the two possibilities and find a third, harmonious way, that works for you. Then enjoy the magic that has been waiting for you in the archetypal realms of your being and the being of your beloved. This magic is not conservative or new, it is timeless and it is coming from deep parts of you that only you can explore and own as truly yours. Don’t take my word for it. Experiment and find out for yourself. Then you will be your own authority on what it means to be feelably masculine or feminine.

For ways to do this and exercises to support yourself on this journey try out one of my free webinars or topic-based online courses. You can also join one of my six week programs with prerecorded and live zoom sessions as a couple or as a single preparing yourself for your next relationship.